Hi everyone! I originally had a really fun post planned for today, but after finding out that it’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week I’ve got something a little different.
I’ve been wanting to publish this for a long time. I’ve had it in the drafts for months, and I truly feel that I’m in a great place now and that I can write this without any old thoughts interfering with what I went through.
I struggled with an eating disorder. I want to share my story in hopes that it will be the spark to someone struggling to make a change to get their life back. I want people to know that you can get better, and that there is so much more to life than what you eat. Without further ado… my story.
I’ve always loved food. I love smelling food, I love eating food, I love thinking about food. Even in elementary school, I’d be the one at parties hovering at the snack table or having another slice of cake and scoop of ice cream. If there was food, it was my main focus. These weren’t even bad thoughts about food yet; it was just my innocent love for food. Everyone has something they like more than others, mine is food.
I stayed active throughout elementary and middle school, always having some kind of sports practice most nights of the week whether it be basketball, softball, or track practice. Any more exercise than that? Nope, which is just fine for a kid. I was happy to get by on as little movement as possible. I just wanted to get back to my Webkinz game.
While my eating wasn’t disordered yet, it was nowhere near healthy. Whole grains and veggies? What were those? For breakfasts I’d have Poptarts or a Danimals smoothie drink. Lunches were a package of mini chocolate cookies, a juice box, and fruit snacks. After school snacks were breadsticks and dinners were plain white pasta or pizza. And let’s not forget about that Cookie’s ‘n’ Creme chocolate bar every day at snack time during 5th grade.
This was my diet, and I didn’t think anything of it.
It’s not my parents’ fault what I ate. I was incredibly picky and refused to eat most of the things they made – a pretty typical kid.
By 5th grade I was feeling self-conscious about myself. I started comparing my body to all of my friends and wondering why I couldn’t have a flat stomach like them. I wasn’t overweight at all but just had a little belly that I couldn’t stand. I felt like everyone that looked at me in a bathing suit thought I was hideous.
Now when I think about it, if I see someone at the beach who doesn’t have a “perfect” body, who cares? I don’t think any different of them. As long as you’re comfortable with yourself and healthy, there is absolutely no problem with what your body looks like.
After being so disgusted with my body I decided to lose weight. I started doing sit ups every night before bed and eating Multigrain Cheerios or Special K for breakfast. I started taking PB&J’s for lunch, a wonderful food totally new to me because I refused to eat them when I was younger.
After a few weeks I started to feel a change and my mom even said I was looking more toned. Yet, I still wasn’t happy. Why can’t I have a perfect stomach? Why can’t I look like my friends? It started to be all I thought about. It’s a hard thing to admit, but when I looked at people all I looked at was if they had a “perfect” body. If they didn’t, I wondered how they seemed to not care. To me, the only thing that mattered was if you had belly fat. It started to become an obsession. I feel so bad admitting that, but it’s the truth. Eating disorders put these terribly misguided thoughts into our minds that we can’t help thinking.
This obsession continued into middle school. It really started to get bad in seventh grade. I felt like everyday was so monotonous. I’d make my way through school, go to whatever sport I had that day, eat dinner, go on the computer, and go to bed. I felt like everyday I had a checklist of things that I had to get through and I wasn’t satisfied until I was home and in bed, preparing for another day of events.
I didn’t have the desire to talk to anyone. I felt like no regular conversation would matter because there wasn’t a point to it; we weren’t talking about anything important. I thought all of the things I did had to be of importance, otherwise what’s the point? I lost contact with my friends because I put no effort into talking to anybody. People thought I was just crabby when really I was so wrapped up in my own distorted world that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone.
I started getting into running the fall of 8th grade. I would run to the track at night after I was done with everything for the day and do laps. I was starting to enjoy running and the feeling it gave me, especially when I got up to 5 miles. I loved the solitude and crisp autumn air and the feeling of the town at night. I was even noticing an improvement in my body image, both mentally and physically. But something was still missing. There was this void that I couldn’t explain. I felt like I was just going through the motions of life and that there was no direction as to what I was doing.
I wasn’t happy. It was the same routine everyday. I barely talked to my friends or did social things aside from what was required. I didn’t know what the point of my life was supposed to be or what I was even doing. When I wasn’t thinking about that, I was thinking about my body or food – this time, not in a good way. I spent so much time thinking about what I would eat next. I was at a point where I had every meal planned three days in advance. If a plan changed and I couldn’t eat at the exact time or exact food I had planned, cue major anxiety. I would eat a meal that I waited hours to eat, and while I was eating that I’d be thinking about what was going to be my next meal.
You hear that eating disorders are a lot about control and that is 100% true. My food was the one thing I could control, and if I didn’t have that, then what did I have? Nothing, to me. Everything I did in my life was revolved around what I ate. I didn’t go to social functions because it didn’t work around my meal. If I was going to a dinner, it would be all I thought about for the days leading up to it. Sure, it’s alright to look forward to a meal, but not in the way I was. It was ALL I thought about. If I was hungry before it was time to go, I couldn’t eat because if I had even a little snack I thought I wouldn’t be hungry for the meal. I would be so lightheaded because I was so hungry, but I had a rule that I couldn’t eat 4 hours before or else I won’t be hungry to eat.
Rules. They’re a huge part of eating disorders. Some of mine were as follows… No eating unless you’ve waited 4 hours. Don’t eat too much during the day or you might not be hungry for dinner. No eating two hours before bed. No more than one refined grain a day. Burn more calories than you eat. There was a day that the only time I sat down was to go to the bathroom. I needed to burn as many calories as possible, and standing burns more than sitting.
Even with these obsessions it still felt like there was a big void in my life. I had slipped into not only an eating disorder but also a depression. I was weak, had constant headaches, and probably was starting to lose bone mass. Even though I wasn’t technically underweight, I didn’t weigh enough to be at my body’s happy place. Still, there was something that drew me to getting smaller. I checked my thigh gap all the time. I could barely run without feeling like I was going to pass out, but I needed to have that feeling of being a twig.
The depression fueled the ED and the ED fueled the depression. I started thinking that every bad thing I ate would go right back to my stomach and that I would be fat. I started worrying about not being hungry for the next meal. I thought I was “special” and that I didn’t need as many calories as the next person, even with how much I exercised. I only felt like I could eat if I ran that day. There were so many misguided thoughts in my mind. I felt like if only I had the perfect body, everything in my life would be fine.
I knew I was battling depression and an eating disorder. I didn’t do anything about it because I didn’t know how my life could ever be normal again. I thought I was going to live the rest of my life in that sad, lonely kind of world. I knew that I could get help by just asking, but I didn’t care to because I refused to help myself.
I didn’t think I had enough of a problem to be worthy of help. I wasn’t anorexic or bulimic, so I didn’t feel like my eating disorder was of enough importance to be treated. I didn’t think my depression was bad enough to require help from a professional. You guys, please understand that NO case isn’t of enough importance. Everyone deserves to be helped no matter how severe they are struggling.
I finally decided that I needed to recover after confiding in my parents. My recovery was a long, LONG road but there isn’t a part of it that I wouldn’t go through again to be fully recovered. My life now is incredible and I do think that it made me a better person by going through those things. I’m still planning on writing a more in depth post about my recovery as there is just so much more to it than a small paragraph right here. I don’t want you to think it was easy. I was stuck in pseudo-recovery for quite a while, but luckily I was able to come out of that.
This all brings me to where I am now. I’m happy. While there are days that I don’t have the best body image, I just think about how lucky I am to have plentiful food and eat nutritiously. I don’t follow a specific diet. I watched Food Inc. over Christmas Break and as much as that makes me never want to eat meat again, I know I couldn’t do that just for a Vegan or Vegetarian label. I know that if I label myself it will bring on eating disorder tendencies and could lead me to a relapse.
The only diet I follow is mine. I know when I eat lots of whole grains, fruits, and vegetables that I feel great, but I’m also not going to give up the small pleasures like Grandma’s Lasagna or a real dessert with sugar every once in awhile. Life is too short to deny yourself some things – mental health is just as important as physical.
While depression and eating disorders are terrible, miserable things to go through, I will be forever grateful that I went through those times in my life. They’ve given me an appreciation for how blessed I truly am. They’ve shown me how incredible my body is and all the amazing things it can do – no matter if I have a “perfect” belly or not. They’ve given me a love for fueling myself with healthy food – with the occasional indulgence. Without going through these things, I would never have started blogging or met all of the wonderful people I now know.
I know this will be here forever. I feel really vulnerable posting this. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve overcome depression and an eating disorder and I hope I can help others who might be struggling like I did. I’m telling you: Life is worth it!
That was awesome!!!! That just shows what an extremely strong and mature person you are to overcome this and after reading this I know you will be able to handle whatever life throws at you. Keep it up! You will go far in life with that will and courage. I love your posts. Keep them coming.
Thank you!! I think everything happens for a reason and that I didn’t go through all of that for nothing. I hope I can help many people 🙂
Leigha! Thanks so much for sharing! I love your view on life, food, fitness…it’s so balanced and healthy and joy-filled. I know it wasn’t easy getting to where you are now, but you are so mature for your age and are now able to help and encourage others. Wow!
My sister struggled with an eating disorder for years and will be sharing her story on my blog next week. I love that her and you can help raise awareness and encourage people to get help as soon as possible for their eating disorder.
Thanks again for sharing! I feel like I know you better now:)
Thank you so much, Faith! Lately I’ve really been wanting to be more open on here so I think this is a good start 🙂 I can’t wait to read your sister’s post! I hope I can connect with her!
Leigha, I’m so glad you wrote about this on the blog today. Mental health has been a bit of a struggle for myself, and it has taken me a long time to get to a healthy and happy place in my life. There are good days, and there are bad days, and a lot of staying healthy for me means asking myself why I feel the way I do and journalling. Doing yoga is always a great reminder of how powerful my body, mind, and spirit are! So great to hear that you are in a good place in your life now. Stay healthy and strong, girl! xo
Asking yourself why you’re feeling the way you do is a huge mood-booster for me. Usually I can get to the root of the problem and fix it so I can go back to being happy! Yoga is SUCH a great thing and I also journal every night 🙂 thanks for being so supportive, girl!!
Leigha – thanks so much for sharing your story and especially for letting everyone know how important it is to ask for help. I know it will inspire others. So glad that you’re on a good road to recovery! Keep up the great work 🙂
All I want for this post is for it to help anyone struggling!! I know how terrible it can be so I just want to be the light for someone going through a rough time. Thanks Anne!!
I’m so proud of you for sharing your story Leigha! I can relate majorly as I’ve gone through both of these things as well! It’s crazy about similar our stories can be, but also how different at the same time. The mind is a tricky thing and I think we need to bring more attention to mental illnesses because they are just as serious as a physical one!
For sure!! I want people to know that they are not alone in their struggles.. these things are so much more common than you’d think. Thanks for being there for me through so much, Molly! <3
Thanks so much for sharing! I’m glad you are in a much better place & the beautiful gal you are today! 🙂
Me too, Emily, me too 🙂 thank you!!
Hi, Leigha! I am new to your site and I really enjoyed this post especially from such a young lady, you are wise beyond your years (:
Hey Hayley! I’ve been to your blog a few times 🙂 thank you so much!!
leigh leigh I am so proud of you! You are such a beautiful woman inside and out. You have no idea how many people this story is going to touch. I love following your journey and can’t wait to watch you conquer the world!
<3 <3 <3 you. Your recovery post was incredibly helpful and you are SUCH an inspiration to me! You rock Lee Lee!!
You’re awesome!
Thank you Jess!!
You are SUCH a brave woman and I’m so happy you chose to share your story with us. I know that most girls struggle in varying degrees with their body image (I certainly do at times) and I know this post will help some of your readers with problems they themselves may be facing. I’m so, SO happy that you have found your personal balance and were able to fight to regain your life and happiness. Proud of you!! <3
Thank you Christine!! All I want is for this post to be the help that some girl needs to get her life back. You are a huge role model for me and these words mean so much! <3 you!!
I love you Leigha. You are just an amazing young woman. I cannot wait to see what you do with your future. 🙂
Thanks Lora 🙂 🙂 love you too!! I’m so happy you’re a part of my life!
I’m struggling for something wise and witty to say. Needless to say we are all so proud of you and love you dearly. Keep the sunshine on your face and aim high. There really are no limits for you. Love you. Dad
Love you!!! 🙂 <3
Powerful! Your maturity is amazing, Leigha! This is so well said and incredibly real/honest. You should be so proud of yourself on so many levels, Girl! Rock on!
Thank you! That means so much to me! 🙂
Way to go girl!!!!! So proud of you for sharing this! I believe that this will inspire others to seek help. You’re an amazing kid, keep up the amazing job.
Thanks Tori!! I really hope it will help anyone that is struggling. That’s all I want!
im so glad you posted this 🙂 im a regular reader and have been waiting to hear your story…its like reading about me….thank you for reminding me that im not alone and that life IS worth it…live your blog keep inspired leigha xxxx
Thank you!! Please feel free to send me a message if you ever need someone to talk to <3
thank you leigha! it took me a lot to comment that without my name for u to post that is brave and wonderful! xx
i mean *love your blog keep inspiring leigha* sorry
I’m so so proud of you for telling your story. Even when it’s behind a screen, it’s SO SCARY. That being said, I think sharing your story can be a huge part of really recovering. Even when you think you’ve fully recovered, sharing what actually happened is terrifying. So, I am so incredibly proud of you right now. I know your beautiful words will touch so many people. You are no perfect. Your past is not perfect. But the beauty is in the struggle. It’s so amazing to think that you overcame something so insurmountable when you were so young. Seriously, if you think there’s anything you can’t do, just think of what you’ve been through. You can do ANYTHING. Also, your dads comment legitimately made me tear up, so that’s cool. I love you girl! Keep smiling and conquering the world one blog post at a time 🙂
It is so scary hitting publish on this.. it’s like I just gave a part of myself up that before was only known to a small number of people. It’s alright though because what’s wrong with sharing the person that I was? Like I said, it’s nothing to be ashamed of and I just want to show people that it’s possible to conquer it and get you life back 🙂 and omg I know. Wasn’t that the sweetest comment?! Love you so much!!
Thank you so much for being so open about your disorder! Your story is extremely similar to mine, and I actually have a post planned to come up sometime this week about my disorder.
I’m so glad that you have recovered and are now in a great place with exercise and food 🙂 Thank you again for being so open!
Can’t wait to read your post, girly! I’m so happy we got through it too 🙂 but think if we hadn’t have went through it – we wouldn’t have met each other!!
Leigha, having the courage to post this is beyond inspirational. I love how you sugarcoat nothing, and yet sound completely positive and motivating. I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! <3 Way to be, rockstar!
Aww thanks Emma!! This means so much to me! I don’t want to make it sound like it wasn’t something hard to go through, yet I still don’t want to make it seem like you can’t get through it 🙂 thanks for always being there! <3
You. Are. Amazing.
I cannot begin to describe how much your story strikes a chord with me. The obsession, the extreme meal planning, the comparison. It all escalates so quickly. But I agree 100% that there are good things that have come out of such a terrible state of mind. “Life is worth it” is the perfect way to put it.
Thank you for sharing. You are truly a beautiful inspiration, Leigha ♥
Awh Alison <3 you are such a strong, beautiful person and I'm so happy that we've "met" through blogging. You were truly an inspiration to ME during my recovery and I cannot thank you enough for that. I do think that we'll be friends for a very long time and hopefully we'll meet in person soon enough. 🙂
What a post! I am so sorry to hear you’ve had such a hard time, but nevertheless very happy you are up and running again 🙂
It’s odd how people tend to compare problems to each other. I mean, okay, this is not something I usually tell a lot of people, but I’ve had anorexia. But I’ve never been in a hospital, which made me feel even worse because I “didn’t have near as hard a timeas others”. But hey, you can’t compare. On the other hand some other ana patients had it easier then me, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t have an incredibly hard time. Everybody deserves to be helped. Everybody deserves to be happy.
And I am insanely happy that you are happy again!
Thanks for sharing! You are amazing
Awh Josefine <3 <3 I had no idea that you went through that but I'm so happy you overcame it like me! I know exactly what you mean about comparison. No one should feel worse because of how serious their problem was - you said it PERFECTLY with everyone deserves to be helped and happy. So true!! Love ya, girl!
In many cases depression and an eating disorder coexists together and thrive in a person’s life. It’s a struggle to have the both, but , recovery is possible. Anyone can be free from these two and live a happy and normal life. I myself struggled with bulimia but found my way out of it. Now , I am bulimia free for more than a decade. Read my bulimia story at http://www.bulimiafree.com
heyyy!!!
indeed a very nice share on depression ..
What an inspirational story. You an example to follow an a motivation
I am reading every word of your blog….
This form of depression interferes with the person’s ability to function normally to work, study, sleep, eat and enjoy pleasurable activities.
I think this blog is very helpful for those who are really suffering from this problem.
thanks for the share..
keep up doing good work